The Abstruse Blonde
by LivinginaFictionalWorld
Summary: River Song comes to teach at Hogwarts during the Golden trio's 6th year. And where River goes, adventure follows. AU, based on this gif set by Disclaimer inside
1. Chapter 1

**So first chapter! I know it's short but the other's will be longer I promise. Many thanks to the amazing ** user/perforatededges **who put up with me annoying her to beta read it until she did so thanks Jess 3 This fic is based of this gif set ** post/46421673712/addictedtoemma-merovingians **which is originally by** **I THINK. If it belongs to you, tell me and I'll credit you :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Doctor Who. I make no money from this, and anything you recognise is not mine. I try to credit where possible, but if I've missed something please tell me. Thank you, now enjoy!**

Albus Dumbledore gazed at the students sitting before him, a smile stretched across his wrinkled face, and a twinkle in his cobalt eyes. He scanned his audience, his eyes briefly resting on the odd student, before open his mouth and saying,

'Welcome students, both old and new. To the old, the hallowed halls of your school have missed you, and to the new, Hogwarts welcomes you. A New Year greats us, a year that will be full of not only knowledge, but of friendship, and experiences that will never leave you. And now… we feast!' And with that plates full of foods appeared on the table, as they always had done. Chatter erupted, and gasps escaped the new students, their eager eyes large and astonished, staring at the mounds of food. Harry Potter let out a chuckle, and began to load up his own plate full of potatoes, lamb, Yorkshire puddings and vegetables. His best and oldest friend Ronald Weasley had already started his meal, his mouth full of beef, with a chicken drumstick in hand. Scowling at him from across the table was Hermione Granger, hair bushy and untamable, her own plate considerably less loaded than Rons. Hermione was Harrys' second best friend, and the most sensible of the three, and right now, had a look of distaste on her face. After a few moments of this, Ron slowly stopped chewing, and stared at Hermione.

'Wha?' he said through a mouthful of chicken, his red eyebrows raised quizzically.

'You really can't stop eating can you?!' Hermione retorted, before picking up her own fork and beginning her meal. Ron and Harry exchanged a look before continuing.

'So, who do you think is going to be teaching Defense this year? Has to be better than Umbridge last year.' Harry asked after 5 minutes of Ron devouring his food, and Hermione shooting him dark looks from behind her steak.

'Dunno mate, but whoever they are, they're late. Look there's no new teachers' Ron replied, jerking his head towards the top table, where Flitwick and McGonagall seemed to be in the middle of a heated discussion about pumpkin juice.

After the main course came desert, where the tables filled with assorted ice cream, apple and blackberry crumble, treacle tart, chocolate torte, trifle, Eton mess, jelly and fruit salad. After the students had eaten their fill, and sat back, now comfortably full, a pleasant sleepiness settled on the student body. Eyelids drooped and yawns were attempted to be stifled, as the students nattered amongst themselves. Dumbledore stood up, and waited patiently as the talk died down, and the students sat up, shrugging their shoulders and blinking the sleep out of their eyes, alert looks now on their young faces.

'So now we are all fed and watered, I have a few announcements to make. The first being for new students; the forbidden forest is out of bounds for ALL students at all times, unless directly ordered otherwise. For everyone else, Quidditch trials will be held this term, sometime in the following weeks, ask the captain of your house for the specific dates,' at this Harry glanced proudly down at his chest where the scarlet captain badge gleamed and glinted in the candle light.

'And seeing as our last Defense Of The Dark Arts teacher, Professor Umbridge, had to leave us in, uh, _unfortunate_, circumstances, we have a new teacher this year, but it seems she has been delayed-'

At that moment the doors to the great hall slammed open, revealing a woman, whose face was hidden by a hat. Slowly she lifted her head, revealing soft blond curls, and a beautiful face with scarlet lips stretched into a smile. Her dark eyes glimmered with mystery.

'Hello Sweetie'


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello! Here is the second chapter, which I hope you enjoy. It seems that the link to the gifs did not work so hopefully this does: post/46421673712/addictedtoemma-merovingians (Please tell me in the comments if they don't) Many thanks to Jess, user/perforatededges who is my amazing beta reader!**

**Disclaimer: I do NOT own Harry Potter or Doctor Who, or any characters you recognise. Please don't sue me, I have no money. **

**Now enjoy!**

* * *

Murmurs filled the Great Hall as the woman glided up to the top table, head held high, and heels clicking against the floor. Dumbledore smiled warmly, and through his arms akimbo.

'Ah River, it's been too long.' Dumbledore and the mysterious woman embraced, greeting one another as long lost friends.

'Indeed it has, Albus, indeed it has.' The woman returned, her voice soft yet empowering. She turned in one movement and examined the students, a half smile playing on her features.

'Students, this is Professor Song, and she is to be your new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. She is an old friend and colleague of mine, and an excellent teacher, so I expect you to welcome her to Hogwarts with respect and enthusiasm. Now, Professor, would you like to say a few words?'

'No, no Headmaster, I'm sure that's not needed, no need to bore these students, whom I'm sure are desperate to reach their beds. I will just say quickly, that I'm looking forward to meeting you all, and hope we get long.' The woman smiled and sat down at a spare chair, and turned her attention to Dumbledore, where they immediately began conversing. A crease appeared in Dumbledore's brow as he furrowed his wispy eyebrows in apparent confusion at something Professor Song said.

* * *

Harry awoke bright and early the next morning, his hair askew and in a fit of confusion at where he was. It took a moment of bleary eyed staring, until he remembered where he was. The 6th year boy's dormitory was ablaze with scarlet and gold, bathed in the warm orange glow of the morning sun, and filled with deep, calm breathing. Harry guessed it to be around 4 o'clock, which any rational person knows is far too early to be up, so Harry snuggled back down under the covers and closed his eyes. After a few precious moments of blessed quietness, Harry's sleepy thoughts were interrupted by a colossal snore emitting from Ronald. Without even opening his eyes, Harry drew his pillow from beneath his tousled haired head and through it with all his might towards the noisy ginger. A thump told Harry it had met is target, and a loud crash followed by a torrent of highly imaginative swear words told him Ron had fallen to the floor. Muffling his giggles, Harry burrowed further into the mattress

* * *

A few hours later, Harry, Ron and Hermione were settling down to breakfast. Ron's topaz blue eyes lit up as he excitedly examined the mountains of bacon, egg, sausages, toast and all the juice you could imagine. As the trio settled sleepily into their seats, the mail arrived, showering the breakfast dwellers with droplets of water from the storm outside. Owls of all sizes flocked around their owners, spilling drinks and treading in food, leaving jammy footprints all over the tables. Hermione was just pouring herself a generous helping of orange juice when a large tawny barn owl flew down in front of her, the mornings edition of _The Daily Prophet_ clamped in its beak. She removed it, and it shock itself precariously, covering a rather disgruntled Ron in rain water, before Hermione placed a single copper knut into the small leather pouch round the owls outstretched leg. It took off with a hoot, and Harry watched its descent from the Great Hall, before returning to his bowl of steaming porridge.

Harry was almost finished when Professor McGonagall placed his timetable in front of him.

'Hey look, we've got Defence with that Song lady first! Wonder what it'll be like?' Ron exclaimed from Harry's right. Harry was just about to answer when Ginny appeared and collapsed into the seat on Harrys left.

'Look at this monstrosity!' Ginny exclaimed as she pushed her timetable towards Harry, and through herself dramatically back into her chair with a sigh.

'Double potions first thing, then after break double divination, and to round it off Study of Ancient Runes! It's ridiculous!' Ginny grumbled, and deep set scowl upon her freckled face. Ron snorted, but hastily pretended he hadn't when Ginny fixed him with a fierce glare, rivaling that of her mother, before standing up, snatching her timetable back and sweeping off, bag on shoulder and her long red hair swaying down her back. Ron shrugged at Harry, and ignored the disapproving look Hermione was sending him over her paper, and continued eating his pile of bacon and ketchup

* * *

Half an hour later, Harry, Hermione and Ron were entering their first Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson with Professor Song. They sat down, Ron and Harry next to each other, and Hermione across the aisle in front of Seamus and Dean. Professor Song had not yet arrived so there was a general hum of chatter and other noise in the room as students talked and prepared for the lesson. A clicking of heels told the students of Song's arrival and the class fell silently instantly as she swept into the room, and strode to the front of room, the only sound her stilettos on the stone floor. Reaching the front she turned on her heel, and smiled at her students. Her blonde hair was a mass of untamable curls and her seemingly muggle black dress suit reached modestly just below the knee. But the most unusual thing was a strapless silver eye patch, somehow staying in place on top of her left eye.

'Good afternoon, I'm your new Defense Against the Dark Art Teacher, Professor Song.' She smiled again, examining the class with a knowing look. Hermione put her hand up, and Songs gaze paused on her for a few moments before answering,

'Yes? Miss...' Here Professor Song paused, and inquisitive look playing on her features. Hermione lowered her hand before replying,

'Hermione Granger. I was wondering if we will be using defensive spells?' Hermione asked. Song smirked softly as she paced forwards a few steps and bent down 'till she was Hermione's height.

'Ah well now Miss Granger, _Spoilers_!'

* * *

**AN:**

**So there you go! Did you like it? Leave your response in the reviews! Remember, reviews are like Cupcakes! I have written part of the next chapter, but I think it may be a little bit before I get the chance to update, seeing as school starts again next week :( But I will try to give you a new chapter soon!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello again! Sorry for not updating! School has started again, and exams and coursework are a lot of work! But here I have a new chapter for you my lovely readers. So enjoy!**

**Small changes to book explained, PLEASE READ: Snape is still potion master not Slughorn. Seeing as River got the job as DADA teacher, there was no need to hire Slughorn, apart from to get the memory. However, he will still be involved ( maybe ;) ). Also Snape's old potion book is not used, a regular copy is. This is mainly because Snape would never let Harry use his old book.**

**Also, this chapter does contain one use of language, but not a very bad one.**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything you recognise, including characters, plot, or setting. Please don't sue me I HAVE NO MONEY**

* * *

**_Previously_**_: 'Hermione Granger. I was wondering if we will be using defensive spells?' Hermione asked. Song smirked softly as she paced forwards a few steps and bent down 'till she was Hermione's height._

_'Ah well now Miss Granger, Spoilers!'_

* * *

Professor Song straightened up and winked at Hermione before addressing the class,

'But in answer to Miss Granger's question, yes, we shall be using defensive spells. I believe you should all know how to defend yourself. After all who really knows what's out there? However today we shall begin with Dementors. Now everyone, turn to page 41 and begin reading….'

For the rest of their first lesson was mainly uneventful, apart from the occasion where Song whacked Ron around the head with a book for whispering to Harry when he was supposed to be noting down the homework. Ron was still moaning as they left the stuffy classroom and made their way to lunch. It was only when Hermione snapped,

'Really Ronald! Do stop complaining, it didn't hurt that much, and you _were_ talking,' that Ron stopped and looked sheepishly at the ground. In the Great Hall, they met Ginny who was outraged at the amount of homework she had been given on her first day back, and after a cold lunch, Harry left to find professor McGonagall. He knocked tentatively on her office door before entering; only to come face to face with Song, who grinned as she brushed passed him into the corridor.

'Yes Potter, how can I help you? Not in trouble already are we?' McGonagall asked, her Scottish accent hinting at amusement.

'Oh no Professor, nothing like that. It's just… I was wondering if you could speak to Sna- I mean Professor Snape for me? You see I didn't get an O in my Potions O.W.L, but-' Harry began before McGonagall interrupted,

'You want to continue at N.E.W.T, so you can become an Auror? Yes I thought as much, and don't worry, I've already gone to the liberty of asking Professor Snape myself, but as you could expect he wasn't too happy with that idea. However, Dumbledore persuaded him. This is for you by the way, from Dumbledore.' McGonagall handed Harry a scroll, before continuing,

'So anyway Potter, you may want to get going. It's nearly lesson time, and Snape will be looking for any excuse to get out of his lessons, so _do behave_ Potter, alright?'

'Yes Professor, thank you!' Harry exclaimed as he hurried from her office.

'Oh and Potter?' McGonagall called, sticking her head out from the doorway. 'Take Weasley with you, won't you? He needs something to do…' And with that Harry grinned, and nodded, before hastening to the dark dungeons, grabbing a bewildered Ron on the way.

* * *

**20 minutes later **Harry was regretting his choice to try and be, as Hermione put it, 'A good student.' Once Ron had heard that Harry and gotten him roped into N.E.W.T level potions, he had called Harry something much less complimentary, using a far more creative choice of words. Harry didn't care about that, but as the two boys burst through the dungeon door, with 1 minute to go as before the bell went, they had to trudge up past all the rows of chairs, to the only two chairs available to them. Right in the front. Snape observed them with unhidden distaste, and hatred. Snape had then begun to lecture the students on lateness, and how it would not be tolerated in his lessons, giving very pointed looks to the two boys, sitting uncomfortably before him. After ranting about punctuality, he set them the lesson; The Draught of Living Death, a very complicated looking potion, with many different ingredients.

'Um Professor, me and Ron don't exactly have ... erm … books…or ingredients.' Harry started out sheepishly,

'We weren't sure if you'd let us into class see.' Ron finished, trying to save his best friend's skin, but faltering under Snape's iron glare.

'Unprepared for lessons are we? Very well you utter imbeciles, go and fetch some books and supplies from the cupboard.' Snape growled, his greasy hair hanging in his eyes, ' GO. NOW! And stop wasting my precious time, you irritating fools!' Snape shouted this time, fury burning in his black orbs of eyes. Harry and Ron scrambled out of their seats and over to the supply cupboard. After checking that Snape was out of earshot (he was terrorizing a Ravenclaw girl who's name Harry _thought_ was Jess) Ron muttered,

'Psycho that one, I'm telling you. Anyway, what's got his robe in a twist?' Harry shrugged,

'I dunno mate, but as long as he doesn't take it out on me, I don't care. Come on; let's get to work before his head explodes.'

And with that, Harry and Ron started out on the seemingly impossible task. Nearing the end of the lesson, Harry's potion was a florescent orange colour, whilst Ron's was a rather unattractive shade of green, which also seemed to be emitting smoke.

'This can't be right,' Harry moaned as the orange turned into a Caribbean blue.

'No Potter, for once you are right.' A sneering voice said. Harry looked round to see Snape leering at his cauldron,

'I suppose you added the sloth brains before stirring twice clockwise didn't you idiot child? Well I can't say I expected any more from _you_. However, it does seem to be better than Weasley's miserable excuse.' Snape gave a nasty grin towards Ron's potion where a thick skin was floating on the top. He sauntered off, knocking both Harry and Ron's cauldron off their stands in the process. Ron swore and leapt backwards as the concoction splashed over the desk and splattered onto his shoes. Harry simply stared at Snape in disbelief as he felt the failed potion soaking into his socks.

'Oops.' Snape uttered the single word, a look of malice in his face as he flicked his wand and vanished the boy's attempts at The Draught of Living Death.

'Detention Mr Potter and Mr Weasley for clumsiness and another one for Weasley for his use of foul language.' Snape announced, and swept off, sniggering as he went. Ron stood there, blinking in disbelief as Harry angrily packed his book and quill away.

***RIIIINNNNG***

Almost immediately after the bell went, signaling the end of lesson, Harry and Ron were out the door. Ron was storming, swearing at Snape, and calling him very uncomplimentary things. Harry's rage was bubbling slowly inside of him, like a volcano ready to erupt. Hermione caught up with them, and spent the entire time on the journey to the common room, complaining about how unfair Snape was. As they neared the Fat Lady, Harry finally had enough and turned to Hermione,

'Hermione, get over it. Snape hates me, he always has, and he's just pissed I manage to get into his N.E.W.T class. There's nothing we can do.' And with that he announced, 'Abstinence.' Having acquired the password of Ron the previous evening and once into the common room, sprawled out on one of the comfy armchairs, tossing his bag aside with a sigh. Ron and Hermione shared glances as they joined him, shooing some scrawny first years out of the way. Hermione bent down to retrieve Harry's bag, when Dumbledore's message fell out.

'Harry what's this?' Hermione asked as she picked it up, and handed it to him, her eyes curious.

'Oh yeah, I forgot. McGonagall gave it to me earlier. It's from Dumbledore.' Harry explained as he unrolled it.

_Dear Harry. I would like to start some Privet lessons with you; all shall be explained when I see you! I hope to start them this Saturday. Kindly come along to my office at eight p.m. I hope you are enjoying your first day back at school._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Albus Dumbledore_

_P.S. I enjoy Acid Pops_

* * *

**SO there you go! Another chapter. Did you like it? Please comment! Now there may be a special character appearing in the next chapter or so! Exciting I know! Now, put in the reviews who you think it is, and if you guess correctly, I will give you a shout out, and a mystery prize (Oooohh). But this only goes to the first person who gets it, so get guessing! I hopefully will update soon, but I do have important exams (Boooo), so patience! Byee xoxox**


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